What started off as a cute rollout featuring luxurious outfits to fit the song theme has turned into internet investigators debating about her pregnancy status. Another post fueled the fire with people commenting about how Cardi’s dress fit and some growth in her midsection. Comments like the ones below are endless, ranging from people bashing Cardi and others defending and denying on her behalf. And it’s not just women making the comments.

Subscribe now

This discourse has continued for at least a week, and I find myself asking “Why do y’all care so much?” It has brought up a couple of points - 1) the general public feeling entitled to knowing intimate details about lives, especially celebrities and 2) society’s obsession with women’s wombs. Today, we’ll focus on the latter.

Now, I don’t have an opinion on Cardi B’s pregnancy status one way or another. Growing up, I was taught there are certain questions you don’t ask women out of respect. Age and pregnancy were among those off-limits topics. Yes, times have changed and most people are more open about certain topics now; however, there is still an expectation that there will be couth and decorum in general conversations. These characteristics are frequently absent in online discussions (that’s another topic for another day). Questions and comments around women’s fertility, pregnancy, or lack thereof rarely seem rooted in genuineness and the desire to understand others, rather they are used to judge, demean, and criticize us.

"The inability to reproduce in many cultures and societies is considered as a deviation from social norms" 1

In an age where women are more focused on self and their aspirations than adhering to traditional gender norms, we are placed under a microscope for our decisions. Birth rates across the country have decreased as women are more likely to pursue their career goals than start a family, especially in their early 20s. This is without diving into other societal and economic changes that affect a woman’s family planning, pregnancy, and postpartum experiences. These shifts in priorities, attitudes, and course of action have led to women’s wombs being micromanaged more heavily. Through the increased discourse and unwanted opinions around pregnancy, fertility, etc., it is clear that there is an overall lack of empathy and understanding when it comes to women and our bodies. We are seen as a vessel, an incubator, rather than a human going through life-altering experiences. Laws are being placed and privileges are being revoked by non-birthing people that serve to restrict women’s wombs and reproductive choices. These serve as attempts to control narratives and force women into submission of birthing and motherhood.

Share Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

Society has turned a woman’s ability and willingness to conceive and birth a child into a measuring tool for our worth. How we govern our womb - who we choose to have children with, when, where, and even why are all secret assessment points used to determine a woman’s value. Examples:

• Teen mothers are ostracized, but a woman that waited until later adulthood when they have reached a point of stability before welcoming a child is also side-eyed. Having a child in your mid-30s is labeled a “geriatric/advanced maternal age pregnancy,”2 with debates about young vs old grandmothers being prominent.

• A woman that is unable to or chooses not to have children is often shunned or viewed as less than. Messages of inadequacy, not being a complete woman, and leaving milestones unreached shower down on these women.

Motherhood is often used as a marker for success, a badge of compliance with traditional gender norms. A woman that does not eagerly await motherhood or aspire to become a mother is not accepted.

Through the massive amounts of sexist thinkpieces and misogynistic podcasts about what women should and shouldn’t do, it is interesting to see women chime in on the shame casting and judgment. From older family members questioning what you’re waiting for, co-workers prying into your personal life, or church members making a point to mention you being the only childless person of your friend group or family without knowing your preferences or desires.

Why is it that people feel so comfortable commenting on other women’s wombs and bodies in general?

Some possibilities come to mind:

1. Are they being “pick-me’s?”

   Do people not see how their thoughts and beliefs can be harmful to themselves, their peers, community, and potentially future generations? Do they feel that aligning themselves with male-centered perspectives makes them superior or invincible? Because the truth is that they can just as easily be placed under the microscope and judged by the very people they were kiki’ing with. Putting other women down for the sake of trying to be seen by men as better or of “higher value” rarely gets the desired response or outcome women are seeking.

2. Are they deflecting or projecting?

   Typical defense mechanisms, these two in particular are used to avoid self-reflection and addressing one’s own challenges or shortcomings. It is easier to criticize or disparage someone else instead of reflecting on your own decisions and life circumstances.

   1. Deflecting is shifting the focus from one’s own insecurities by bringing up another’s perceived shortcomings. This is seen in the “jokes” about women being viewed as old enough to be their child’s grandparent because they waited to have them as a way to avoid reflecting on the choices that led to the perpetrator becoming a teen mom.

   2. Projecting is placing one’s perceived negative thoughts, feelings, etc. on another person. This may look like talking down on a person that makes the choice not to have kids because the offender has struggled with personal frustrations and feelings of guilt about their own infertility.

      Please understand that while your emotions and frustrations about your circumstances are valid, the way you choose to express them may or may not be appropriate.

      Struggling to understand the difference between projection and deflection? Click here

3. Is there secret animosity towards these women?

   Maybe some women have exercised more choice and control than what you were allowed or felt you were capable of. Secret competition often leads to feelings of resentment and frustration towards self and others. It may be helpful to reflect on why you feel the need to speak on others and what feelings are coming up for you. Everyone has different paths and just because you may not be where you want to be does not make you less than or inferior to other women. Figuring out how to identify and effectively express your feelings may help you navigate internal frustrations and cause less harm to others.

   Have a limited vocabulary? Here’s a feelings wheel to help with that.

So, how can we be more mindful in our conversations?

When preparing to make comments about a woman, her body, her womb, etc., THINK before speaking. Doing some introspection before voicing your inner thoughts may save you from some uncomfortable conversations and unnecessary conflict. Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to post/say….”

• True - Is your statement based on facts or your personal opinions?

• Helpful - What will this contribute to the conversation? Is this something the person can use?

• Inspiring - Are you only offering criticisms or is there also something positive coming from this interaction?

• Necessary - Is this critical to the conversation? Some things are better left unsaid.

• Kind - Would you want someone to say this statement to you?

Other things to focus on can include:

• Timing - Is this an appropriate time or place to have this conversation?

• Tone - Pay attention to your voice and body language if this is an in-person conversation. Remember, it’s not always what you say but how you say it.

• Technique - Be mindful of how you communicate and your approach to the conversation. This includes doing your own self-reflection before engaging. The way you approach an acquaintance may be different from how you approach a best friend or sibling.

Conceiving a child, carrying a pregnancy to term, and delivery with mom and baby coming out healthy on the other side is an amazing feat. One that many people overlook and take for granted until something happens to them or someone they love. It costs nothing to be kind to others and mind your own womb. Or at the very least think before speaking.

These young ladies often hang in the balance, trying to grow into themselves as teenagers and also grow up quickly to adjust to the role of motherhood. Below are some of the barriers that teen moms face that keep them from receiving adequate support. I’m a researcher, so of course I’m going to have facts to back this up ✨ The numbers beside quotes or stats will correspond with the article reference down below if you want to fact check or do a deep dive later.

Share Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

At home:

• Teenage pregnancy is more likely to occur among those lacking socioeconomic resources - low education, low income, poor health conditions, etc. that can ultimately affect a person’s quality of life (3)

  ✨ Here’s an article on socioeconomic status not related to teen moms but may still pique your interest

• Teens are less likely to receive support due to the taboo around teen pregnancy

  • Based on the psychologist Erikson’s stages of development, some teens may fall into the identity vs confusion battle. Wanting to build independence as a teen but finding they may need to lean on family and supports during this transition may cause inner turmoil (5)

  • Lack of support forces teens to rush through this stage as they work to navigate this new role. This may lead to challenges in shaping their identity as a mother

    • They face higher risk of entering unsupportive or abusive relationships - teen moms are 2-3x more likely to be a victim of intimate partner violence (1).

At school:

• Teen moms are less likely to graduate from high school - half of teen moms actually obtain their high school diploma - vs 90% of women that did not become a teen mom (3, 4).

  • Challenges to maintain academic performance can be the result of difficulty securing child care, frequent absences from school, being unable to manage both roles, leading to failing grades and increased dropout rates (3). Some choose to prioritize parenting over their educational goals

• Disproportionate school counselor-to-student ratio leaves some students unsupported - the average counselor to student ratio is 408:1 compared to 250:1 recommended by the American School Counselor Association

  ✨ check out this article that talks about how school counselors support students and the implications of high caseload numbers

• Peer influences and perceptions prevent students from reaching out for help (3)

In the Community:

• Teenagers with low socioeconomic status are more likely to experience teen pregnancy (4) -

  • Low educational attainment (mentioned above) can result in limited occupational opportunities and increased difficulty securing employment that provides financial stability (3, 4).

  • Low socioecomic status often leads to heavy reliance on public assistance compared to non-parenting peers (4). And given the current state of the country, we can assume that today’s teens will struggle tenfold to gain access to some of these essential programs if they even continue to exist.

  • Teens from low income areas are more likely to receive abstinence only education (“Avoid sex/wait until marriage”) or no sex education at all. Research shows that comprehensive sex education (teaching anatomy along with sexual and reproductive health) is more effective at reducing teen pregnancy (6) - ✨more info here

• Many teens are unaware of or do not have access to mental health care (2) - Think of people that have state insurance (medicaid) that already places limitations on the type of providers they may be able to see. Recent shifts in Medicaid coverage, requirements, and restrictions are leading to more mental health providers moving away from accepting this altogether (that’s another topic for another day).

• Family and community stigma can impact willingness to seek out or participate in some of these programs - being seen as weak, incompetent, irresponsible, etc. for needing to utilize these state and federal resources; being labeled a “welfare queen”

  ✨ check out this PBS story: The true story behind the ‘welfare queen’ stereotype

These challenges can create significant stress for teens. Over time, they can lead to decreased quality of life and the development of mental health challenges. This can present as higher risk of:

• depression, PTSD, or other mood disorders - 61% of teen moms suffered from postpartum depression (5)

• substance abuse

• suicidal thoughts and attempts

**Compared to teens and women that were not pregnant (1).

How Therapy Can Help:

• Therapy can provide a safe space that many teens feel they don’t have. It allows them the freedom to express themselves and discuss the stressors of parenting and being a teenager.

• As mentioned, a lot of teens are unaware of the resources available to them. Depending on their support systems, they may not have anyone to talk to about where to start searching for and obtaining these resources. Therapists can assist teens with identifying their current needs and available resources, supports, etc.

• Educating teens about perinatal mental health and how to navigate the challenges it presents

• Destigmatizing the transition to parenthood by promoting open healthy conversations

While people are taught to avoid teen pregnancy, things happen that may or may not be within their control. It is counterproductive to withhold resources and support from those that experience this life altering event. It can also be detrimental to the children of these teen parents, who often grow up with challenges of their own as a result. There are many barriers that make it difficult for expecting and parenting teens to thrive; therapy can be an effective tool to help them navigate and overcome these hurdles. It is up to the community to end the stigma around mental health care and teen pregnancy, opening the door for more open and honest conversations so people have better chances for success as an individual and as a parent.

Know of any community resources for teen moms in your area? Drop them in the comments; you never know who this might reach!

Leave a comment

Reference Articles:

1. Addressing the Mental Health Needs of Pregnant and Parenting Adolescents https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3876179/

2. Mental health in primary care for adolescent parents https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3487608/

3. Teen Mothers Forgotten: The Gap Between High School and Higher Education https://johepal.com/article-1-356-en.pdf

4. A Systematic Review of Programs to Promote Aspects of Teen Parents’ Self-sufficiency: Supporting Educational Outcomes and Healthy Birth Spacing https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7497377/

5. The paradox of family support for young mothers: An interpretive phenomenology analysis https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/fare.12800

6. Abstinence-Only VS Comprehensive Sex Education https://www.myamericannurse.com/abstinence-only-vs-comprehensive-sex-education/

I’m accepting new therapy clients in Maryland and South Carolina!

For more information:

Email me

Visit my website

Submit an inquiry

“A keynooote!? I’m not qualified to give a keynote speech, I’ve never even done one!”

“Why are they asking me? I’m sure there are others that are better suited for this.”

“What makes me a good enough representative for my company for them to send me out there?”

Now, this wasn’t my first rodeo with public speaking. As a matter of fact, I am very experienced at it. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling ill-equipped for the job. It didn’t matter that the person that recommended me is someone I have worked closely with for several years so she knows me and the quality of my work. It didn’t matter that the event facilitator said I came highly recommended. The only thing in my mind was “How can I sound like I know what I’m talking about when I absolutely feel like I don’t?” “How can I keep people from questioning my credibility?”

As I sat and reflected on what I would tell these kids about imposter syndrome and how to overcome it, I also was forced to sit with my own feelings about it. Putting myself in their shoes, I shifted my reflections to “What would my younger self want to hear?” Some things that came up for me were:

• Not getting so tied up in accomplishments and words of validation that I forget my own worth.

• Not relying on others to give me that boost of confidence.

• Not shifting into the frame of mind that my accomplishments define who I am as a person and that if I am not excelling/perfect that does not mean that I am unsuccessful or worthless.

I’ve been in church my whole life. I’ve constantly heard the phrase “Nobody is perfect but Jesus.” And somehow it became a core belief of mine that in order for my work to be seen as outstanding or worth anyone acknowledging, it has to be without flaws. That I have to be without flaws. Hearing “fake it til you make it” reinforces that there’s something to hide from others about who you might be and what you might be capable of doing. Operating under the assumption that what you already bring to the table isn’t enough. While that’s meant to be encouraging, sometimes, it actually does more harm than good.

Over the years, I’ve participated in my own therapy and this has been a topic of conversation on multiple occasions. Facing my anxieties head on and exploring how they impact my thinking and worldview has been helpful in decreasing my imposter syndrome. Fear of judgment and sometimes success keeps me in my own way. Accepting that perfection is an unobtainable milestone has been an eye-opening realization. If I could have the word perfection removed from everyone’s vocabulary, I would because it is so unrealistic and can be harmful to people. I try to reframe my thinking now to “There’s always room for improvement” and use that to push myself to just do the thing. (I say this as I am now working on this article that I started before Easter when I was initially asked to give that speech.) I can’t spend my time worrying about how people will perceive my work, potentially blocking my blessings. It will never have the chance to take off if I never even put it out there.

So I put it all out there for those graduating seniors. I gave them tools to name the fear, confront the thing that is holding them back. I explained how they can change their perception of things, calling out those irrational thoughts and feelings. Treat feelings like a guest, they can enter your house but they can’t wear out their welcome. I also encouraged them to evaluate what they’re doing and what their “why” is; make sure you are pursuing the things that are meaningful to you and don’t get caught up in the words of others.

The students, parents, and event leaders all loved it. Yes, I got compliments and had discussions with people afterwards about how my speech made them feel. I didn’t allow it to gas me up though, because I was genuinely proud of myself. So, everyhting else was icing on top.

I say all that to say, if you’re experiencing imposter syndrome, know you’re not alone. Even as a professional that helps people work through imposter syndrome, I experience it myself at times. That’s what makes me human, though. It’s not impossible to overcome, but you have to be willing to face the thing that scares you the most.

Share Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

Have you experienced imposter syndrome? Share your experiences and any helpful tidbits in the comments!

Leave a comment

Check out my previous post

Without going too far down the rabbithole, I’ll sum things up the best I can to paint a picture. The mental disorders that women typically experience around this time are called Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders (PMADs). You may have heard of these, the most commonly discussed being postpartum depression. However, there are other disorders that fall into this category:

• Postpartum Depression

• Postpartum Anxiety

• Postpartum OCD

• Postpartum PTSD

• Postpartum Psychosis

Share

Symptoms associated with these disorders tend to revolve around the new child and parenting. For example, moms with postpartum anxiety may show increased worry about the safety of their child to the point of isolation or not allowing others near the infant. Postpartum PTSD is common among women that had complications during pregnancy or birth. Some women even fear being left alone with the baby because of worries about mishandling or harming them in some way. Not to be confused with “baby blues,” which typically only last a few weeks as hormones balance out and parents adjust to their new norm, PMAD symptoms extend past 4 weeks.

**Fun fact: Research has shown that the partner who didn’t carry the child or give birth may also be prone to experiencing symptoms of PMADs. Check out these articles:

New Fathers’ Perinatal Depression and Anxiety—Treatment Options: An Integrative Review

Perinatal Depression in Partners: Can Both Parents Get the "Baby Blues?"

Postnatal depression not exclusive to birthing partner

1 in 5 women will struggle with their mental health during or after pregnancy. Most do not get treatment. The reasons why can vary, from lack of access to resources, general lack of knowledge about mental health and signs that help is needed, to fear of judgment by others, stereotypes about mental health, or fear that children will be taken as a result of being too open with a healthcare professional. Women that have experienced challenges with their mental health prior to pregnancy are more likely to suffer from PMADs.

My job and personal mission is to spread awareness about perinatal mental health, reduce stigma, and provide that safe space for my clients that struggle with this.

This is my first but definitely not last post about this topic. Have questions? Drop them in the comments!

Leave a comment

Want to go down the rabbithole and learn more? Here’s some places to start:

About Maternal Mental Health Disorders - Policy Center for Maternal Mental Health

Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment - Postpartum Support International

**For context: I’m a contract worker that gets paid fee for service (with the occasional late cancel/no show fee). About 20% of my caseload consists of Medicaid clients.

Needless to say, I am feeling extremely anxious about the state of my work and my clients. How are my people going to get the services they need? How am I going to be able to create stability for myself when income is on a rollercoaster and insurance companies continue to show time and time again that they don’t fool with therapists? I’m feeling very uncertain right now as this has caused a hard stop on some other things I was working on.

I had been considering other angles to advocacy and mental health services that may not be direct client care or at least outside of Maryland. This is causing me to think harder about it. Is it time to branch out of the Chesapeake Bay State already?

**For added context, I just got fully licensed in Maryland in September of last year. So, I’m still pretty fresh in practicing independently in the therapy world. Maryland Medicaid has been the bain of my existence for most of this time because they’re always presenting with issues that hinder my clients’ ability to get the help and support they need. Me considering other roles is not me backing away from direct client care, moreso looking for other ways to maximize impact outside of and in addition to outpatient care.

Is this an issue for clinicians outside of Maryland as well? How are you all managing? Or if you’re in therapy, have you been affected by any of these insurance changes, whether in Maryland or otherwise?

Leave a comment

My background:

Education:

• Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University

• Master of Arts in Mental Health Counseling from Bowie State University

What my letters mean:

• Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Maryland (LCPC)

• National Certified Counselor (NCC)

My decision to become a therapist stemmed from personal experiences and seeing a growing need within my communities. Growing up in rural Virginia, mental health is not something that is a common topic. In fact, a lot of people still don’t know or understand what mental health is and why it is important. I did not learn about the mental challenges and the depths to which they extend until around my junior or senior year in high school. An introductory psychology class piqued my interest in the machinations of the human mind, leading me to major in psychology at North Carolina A&T (NCAT for short). Towards the end of my undergraduate experience, I honed in on wanting to pursue mental health after facing my own struggles with depression and anxiety. Learning new words for it and how to navigate all that it comes with allowed me to feel deeper empathy for others that experience the same or worse challenges. And I wanted to do something about it. So, I hopped in the field! I packed up and moved to Maryland to get my master’s degree in mental health counseling from Bowie State.

Three years later, and I am now a fully licensed therapist in Maryland with a caseload of clients that I love working with. I have worked with various populations, from children to the elderly. I specialize in working with moms that experience perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and teens and young adults experiencing life transitions and the mental challenges that come with it.

I am a scholar and researcher. I have conducted two individual research studies and been included as co-researcher on other projects. My projects include:

• Looking at life factors that contribute to depression and anxiety in college students - Examining the Relationships Between Depression, Anxiety, and Related Factors in College Students

• Maternity experiences of Black women - Beyond the Belly: Examining the Black Maternity Experience

Not only do I enjoy learning about others’ experiences to understand why we operate the way we do, but I like to share that information with others. I gather data on people’s lived experiences and how it impacts them and package it up nicely to be easily digestible to the public. This way, you can see and understand what is going on, why it matters, and what we can do to improve as a society. I have presented at numerous conferences during my undergrad and post-grad studies. Nothing has been officially published YET. Stay tuned…

Lex After Hours:

When I’m off the clock, I enjoy artsy activities, cooking, reading, and gardening. I have a gaggle of houseplants that I call my kids, and I’ve taken up gardening in the warmer months. I love a good crime/mystery book while laid up under my weighted blanket. A good Mexican or Thai restaurant hates to see me coming, but I really don’t discriminate when it comes to food. I’ll travel for some good food too; maybe I was a food critic in another life or that could be a side quest at some point in time. I’m a sucker for sunsets, a nap warrior, and might slowly be becoming a history buff.

My goals for Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

As a therapist, my role is not to tell you how to feel about or navigate situations. Your feelings are always valid; maybe your reactions could use some tweaking though. That is why I chose Don’t Tell Me How to Feel for this Substack’s name, because no one can tell you how you should feel about things, especially if they’ve never experienced it themselves. Therapy and mental health have gained a lot of traction on social media these days, and I love that. HOWEVER, I feel there tends to be an overflow of conversations around “mainstream” topics, like self-care, meditation/mindfulness, anxiety and depression, etc. While these are important topics, I want to dive into some of the lesser talked about topics, those that people tend to shy away from. I want to get down to the nitty gritty. Inspire real healing. Get your wheels turning with self-reflection. I want this to be not just another mental health discussion space, but a platform that contributes meaningful information to the interwebs. Hopefully something I post will resonate with you along the way and encourage you to push forward and become the best version of yourself.

Things to Remember:

1. While I am a licensed therapist, it is important to remember I am not YOUR therapist. My content, whether on Substack, Instagram, or the rare Tiktok, is for educational purposes only. It should never be used in place of real professional help. Please do not send me personal information looking for advice or therapy.

2. If you happen to be a past, current, or future client of mine, please be mindful of how you interact with my content. Engaging with my content may compromise your privacy. To maintain professional boundaries and confidentiality, I do not and will not friend, follow, or message you.

I am thanking you in advance for hanging out and embarking on this journey with me. I can’t wait to see how it unfolds and what it may bring!

Share Don’t Tell Me How to Feel

Stay tuned—because your feelings are valid, and it’s time to talk about them.